TEL AVIV, Israel — Fresh on the heels of a successful Lebanese bid to win the Guinness World Record for the largest plate of hummus, the Israeli Ministry of Tourism has announced plans to steal back the record by launching a massive “hummus-themed luxury resort and spa” in the north of the country.
“Hummus-Land” (pronounced khoo-moos-land) will feature an enormous lagoon filled with hummus in which holiday-goers “will be able to swim, take canoe rides, and rejuvenate their bodies through the healing antioxidizing power of puréed chickpeas.”
The lagoon will feature a meandering “lazy creek”, a wave pool, several cascading waterfalls, and even a shark reef — all filled with hummus.
An artist's rendering of a family enjoying the Hummus Land Lagoon.
“The total volume of hummus that is pumped through the park each day will exceed a million cubic meters,” said the executive director of the Hummus-Land project, Amos Cohen. “This will make the Lebanese 2,506 kilogram dish seem like a joke,” he said, snickering. “Our kiddie pool alone will have twenty times that much hummus in it.”
Mr. Cohen said that there were also plans to incorporate other “ancient Israeli dishes like zaatar, couscous, shawarma, and falafel” into the park’s attractions. One ride that is currently under development, Falafel Mountain, would send thrill-seekers on an eight-minute roller-coaster ride, tunneling inside a giant falafel the size of a football stadium.
“All the materials would be organic and edible, which are obviously not suitable for building,” admits Mr. Cohen. “But we are confident that a new breakthrough technology developed by an Israeli company will enable us to turn the falafel mix into a kind of durable cement,” he said, adding quickly, “It would still be edible, though.”
The project is sure to inflame Lebanese-Israeli tensions, not least because of the location of the site chosen for Hummus Land: the Shebaa Farms, a disputed twelve-mile strip on the border of the two countries.
“Israel is a crowded country,” said Mr. Cohen. “There is no room for a project on this scale. So why not make use of Shebaa? It’s not like we’re ever going to give it back to the Lebanese, the poor bastards.”
A spokesman for the Association of Lebanese Industrialists (which sponsored the Lebanese bid for the world record) could not reached for comment.
By Qifa Nabki
Qifa Nabki 
hahaha 😀 hahahahahahhaha
Posted by Woody | October 25, 2009, 6:57 pmpretty hilarious elias, as always. love it.
Posted by anissa | October 25, 2009, 9:12 pmQN,
Obviously well done.
May I ask a serious question though? How are the Lebanese planning to capitalize on a generic name? Hummus bitahinah is as descriptive as you can get. Case in point: the French do not claim ownership of all effervescent white wines but they claim ownership of the name Champagne; the same is true of Roquefort cheese and Gorgonzola. Wasn’t there something more important for us to do rather than get the whole country talking about the most frivolous of things?
Why can’t we get excited about the ineffectiveness of our representatives and our being blackmailed by foreign agents?
Posted by ghassan karam | October 25, 2009, 10:35 pmBecause that’s boring, Ghassan. Hummus is so exciting.
Posted by Qifa Nabki | October 25, 2009, 10:51 pmSaid this before: Genius.
May I suggest that you are in the wrong profession?
People would pay good money to get things like this in their inbox on a daily basis 🙂 Just look at the artist behind PhD Comics – an M.E. major turned comic.
Posted by M. | October 26, 2009, 12:16 amQN,
When I said “Why can’t we get excited about the ineffectiveness of our representatives and our being blackmailed by foreign agents?”
I did not mean Qnion:-) I meant Mr. Lebanese Q. Public.
I must have received around ten emails from various people in Lebanon informing me with pride about this accomplishment.lol
Posted by ghassan karam | October 26, 2009, 12:42 am“Pronounced khoo-moos-land”. Priceless.
I suggest that the Lebanese respond to the Isra2eeli khoo-moos-land provocation with a brand new HUMMUS ISLAND, to be built next to Cedar Island.
Tabboule-filled wavebreakers might be included in the project.
Posted by Wa Law | October 26, 2009, 1:10 amI believe that there is no need to fight against nor Kebbe, nor Hommos….
we have them in our bloods 😉 no one can deny that!!!
Posted by Chantal | October 26, 2009, 3:06 amhi,this is my first comment here…
BRAVO! nice piece, really!
Posted by david | October 26, 2009, 4:39 amBibi could put his MA in Architecture to good use!! Good one there haha.
Posted by Won | October 26, 2009, 7:05 amI meant B.S. in Architecture of course. My bad.
Posted by Won | October 26, 2009, 7:06 amBibi has delayed his meeting with George Mitchel in light of the khummus revelation…He wonders whether it has any myopic or “ganja” effect on his soldiers…
Posted by danny | October 26, 2009, 9:10 amHi M.
I don’t think I have the energy to be a comic. But thanks for the support!
If any of you are feeling benevolent, I’ve added a link to my Amazon Wish List on the “About” page of the blog.
Carry on…
Posted by Qifa Nabki | October 26, 2009, 1:04 pmWhat next??? I’m sure the Israelis are lining up for season tickets….What a hilarious entry QN… keep up the great humor, though they might take you up on this one!!
Posted by im akhbar | October 26, 2009, 3:20 pm…Israeli Ministry of Tourism has announced plans to steal back the record by launching…
QN –
Is everything that Israel does really “stealing”? These Guinness world records are usually just a matter of hard work and perseverance;)
Hey, maybe there’s a world record for “The years able to survive as a Jewish State despite being continually at war”? I bet not too many countries can claim that one;)
Posted by Akbar Palace | October 26, 2009, 3:31 pmAP
Their words, not mine…
Posted by Qifa Nabki | October 26, 2009, 3:38 pmThis is absofriggingly hilarious!! 😀
Posted by Delirious | October 27, 2009, 2:37 amThe only the best the largest and the thickest
Israeli Hoo-moo-s blog:
In Hebrew
http://humus101.com/
and a small section in English
http://humus101.com/EN/
Does Lebanon have a Hoomoos blog?
You see? we won again .. 🙂
.
Posted by Amir in Tel Aviv | October 27, 2009, 10:27 pmDid I say that it was “Amos Cohen” who was in charge of Hummus-Land? I meant Amir in Tel Aviv.
Posted by Qifa Nabki | October 27, 2009, 10:40 pmthis is actually hilarious. It’s a stupid contest our stupid countries like to add on top of a number of stupid if less juvenile fights, but i’m glad people see the humor in it
Posted by Religious Zionist | April 27, 2010, 4:11 pm