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September 12, 2011

Miqati Clarifies Stance on What Kind of Tumor Hizbullah Is

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Hezbollah, Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: |
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“Prime Minister Najib Miqati on Sunday confirmed remarks attributed to him by a WikiLeaks document about describing Hizbullah as a “tumor,” but stressed that his words were taken out of context and that he had described the Shiite party as a “non-malignant tumor.”  (Naharnet)

Here follows the transcript of Mr. Miqati’s televised address to the nation, in which he addressed the scandal arising from his comments.

*

My fellow Lebanese, good evening. I am addressing you tonight to clarify some comments attributed to me by a US official in a confidential diplomatic cable, which was recently released to the public by Wikileaks. I’m not going to deny what I said (unlike certain people who shall remain nameless!) but I would like a chance to explain myself.

In the cable, I was quoted as describing Hizbullah as a “tumor needing removal.” That sounds pretty bad, I admit. It’s not the kind of thing you should call someone behind their back, especially not a dear friend. And I’m really the nicest person in the world — ask anyone — so let me begin by apologizing to Hizbullah from the bottom of my heart.

Hizbullah, I’m sorry.

For what it’s worth, I didn’t mean you were a tumor tumor, like one of those “you’ve-got-six-months-to-live” tumors. I really did mean that you were a non-malignant tumor, and there’s a big difference between the two. You see, non-malignant tumors are totally not a big deal. I personally have no problem with them, whatsoever. They are absolutely fine in my book. Fact, some of my best friends are non-malignant tumors. Ha ha! I kid.

That’s really not very funny so I apologize. Again.

And hey, the same goes for a comment I made about Hizbullah being “a state within a non-state.” Once again… context! Context is key, people. Hizbullah is a state within a state… of mind. Do you see what I mean? It’s a state of mind, Hizbullah is, and one that I personally think is very, very healthy for Lebanon, which is itself a state of mind, except not quite as powerful as Hizbullah’s state of mind.

While I’m here, I’d like to apologize in advance for a few other untoward comments I may or may not have made in the past about some of my good friends and colleagues.

For example! I might have said something at one stage about Syria being a “client of Iran.”  Well, obviously what’s missing is the rest of the sentence. I recall saying “Syria is a client of Iran, and a very powerful and important and prestigious client that Iran is very proud to have.” Look at it this way. When I send one of my assistants to have my shoes shined by Abu Tariq, the local neighborhood shoe shine boy, I’m clearly acting as Abu Tariq’s client, right? But who’s more important, wealthy, and powerful? Me, or Abu Tariq? There’s no shame in being a client, nosiree. You get the idea.

Ok, what else? (shuffles some papers) Oh! It may be pointed out, for example, that I might have called General Michel Aoun “a joke and a laughingstock” on one occasion, and perhaps even a “crazy guy,” but I absolutely meant that in the best way, honest to God. If you’ve ever had a few drinks with the General, you’d know that the man is totally hilarious, just crazy. He’s crazy funny, and crazy smart, and just an all-around crazy awesome guy. Would have made a crazy good president. Too bad. Anyway.

Along similar lines, I may have referred to Saad Hariri at one point as “naive and easy to fool,” but it’s clear that what I really meant here was that Saad finds it “easy to fool others into thinking that he is naive.” Easily misunderstood. Saad Hariri is absolutely not naive and easy to fool. The man has a mind like a steel trap! He’s the total opposite of naive and easy to fool, and I’m sure he’ll agree with me.

I could go on, but I think I’ll just end here by saying that I really do feel awful about any offense taken to my comments. Just awful. Awful awful awful. Next time, I will try to be more discreet.

Good night.

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September 10, 2011

The Honey-Tongued Speaker

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Hezbollah, Israel, Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , , |
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On most days, Nabih Berri is pretty happy to be Nabih Berri. Sure, his political party is viewed as Hizbullah’s uncouth country cousin, and no, there isn’t really anyone in line to inherit the throne once the Estez adjourns his last parliamentary session. But for the time being, he’s Nabih Berri, and that’s pretty good.

These days, not so much. Many Lebanese politicians have gotten egg on their faces courtesy of Wikileaks, but the cables have made a veritable Quiche Lorraine out of Nabih’s mug. His conversations with US embassy personnel during the 2006 War are full of terribly embarrassing statements about Hizbullah. One day he claims that the resistance will no longer be needed if the Shebaa Farms are liberated; the next day, he promises to lead the Lebanese Army back to the South in lieu of Hizbullah; the following week he says that Israel has the right to defend itself when attacked.

Most scandalous of all was a comment to Ambassador Jeffrey Feltman in which Berri lauded Israel’s bombing campaign as a positive development that would help weaken Hizbullah, describing it as “like honey”:

“I like a little bit of honey, but if you eat the whole jar you get sick!” Berri exclaimed, and then threw his head back in riotous laughter.”

As if things couldn’t get any worse for the Speaker, our tireless cyber-sleuths at the Qnion have managed to get their hands on the transcript of yet another July War meeting between him and Feltman. We’re sure he’ll deny it, and we don’t blame him.

*

The scene: a formal living room at Nabih Berri’s residence in Ain al-Tineh.

Feltman: Mr. Speaker, thank you for seeing me on such short notice.

Berri: Ahlan wa-sahlan. Ahlan wa-sahlan. You are most welcome. Most welcome!

Feltman: I know that you must be extremely busy.

Berri: For Ambassador Jeffrey, I always have time. I am at your service. You know, there is an old Arabic proverb that says, “Don’t shed an eyelash for an enemy, but for a friend you must slaughter the sheep.”

Feltman: (has heard it a dozen times) How kind.

Berri: Welcome welcome to the American Ambassador. You know I lived in Detroit when I was a young man?

Feltman: (nodding wearily) Yes, I think you’ve mentioned that.

Berri: (reminiscing fondly) Ha hah…those were the days! The Motor City, Joe Louis, the Detroit Tigers…

Feltman: (stifling a yawn)… Pastrami.

Berri: Yes! Pastrami sandwiches! My God I miss those. You know, there is an old Arabic proverb that says: “Slaughter the sheep for a friend, but for your lover, serve a pastrami sandwich.”

Feltman: (puzzled) Really?

Berri: No. I’m just joking. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Feltman: (smiling weakly) Ha ha ha, yes… very droll.

Berri: Hah! I do love pastrami. And bagels! Oh my God, with cream cheese and lox? Divine. Did you know that I have a special shipment of bagels sent to me from Zabar’s in New York every month? Five dozen bagels. Every month.

Feltman: Oh my.

Berri: (suddenly seized by an idea) Would you like a bagel?

Feltman: No thank you.

Berri: Yes! Yes you must have a bagel. I just received a fresh shipment. (He whistles for an assistant) Abu Talal! Jeeb el-bagels 3as-saree3. Yalla t7arrak!

Feltman: Mr. Speaker.

Berri: So, Mr. Ambassador. What can I do for you?

Feltman: I thought we could discuss the latest developments in the conflict. Last time we met, you said that the bombing campaign was like a jar of honey. Is that still your assessment?

Berri: A jar of honey? No. Today I would say it is like a bowl of soup.

Feltman: Soup?

Berri: Yes. A hot soup that is getting hotter by the minute.  And in the middle of this soup is a big delicious matzo ball. It’s a slippery matzo ball, you know? One of those big ones that you can’t cut into with a spoon. You try, but it just spins around and around. And it is too big to swallow whole, so you have to find a way to shrink it. So you turn up the heat, hoping that it will dissolve, but it doesn’t. Do you follow me?

Feltman: No.

Berri: (continuing unawares) Now, Ambassador Jeffrey, I love matzo ball soup, but even I will not eat this soup if it gets much hotter. And what is the point of matzo ball soup if you can’t eat the matzo ball?

Feltman: Hmm.

Berri: You know, there is an old Arabic proverb that says: “If your matzo ball is too slippery to cut with a spoon, try a fork.”

Feltman: (baffled) Try a fork?

Berri: A fork!

Feltman: (suddenly getting it) Ohhh…

Berri: (arching a sly eyebrow) Right?

Feltman: (pleased with himself) But, Mr. Speaker, where might we find a fork big enough to… (looks at Berri knowingly) … skewer such a big, slippery matzo ball?

Berri: (smiling) The Shebaa Farms.

Feltman: Shebaa? Impossible! The Israelis will never go for it. And you’ve said it yourself: Shebaa is just a pretext! Shebaa is an excuse! Shebaa is nothing!

Berri: Ahh, but Mr Ambassador, Shebaa is both nothing and everything.

Feltman: You’ve lost me again.

Berri: Let me explain. (He holds up a bagel.) What is this?

Feltman: Pardon?

Berri: What is this? Is it a roll? Is it a piece of bread?

Feltman: It’s, umm… it’s a bagel?

Berri: Correct. And what makes it a bagel?

Feltman: (completely lost) I have no idea.

Berri: The hole! The hole makes it a bagel.

Feltman: Okay…

Berri: Now, what is the hole? Is it something or nothing?

Feltman: Is it something or nothing? Hmmm, well… I suppose it’s both something and nothing?

Berri: Precisely. The hole is both something and nothing. In fact, the hole is everything and nothing! The hole is the absence of something, but without that absence, the bagel is not a bagel.

Feltman: Fascinating.

Berri: (leaning forward and whispering) Hizbullah is the bagel.

Feltman: (whispers back) I thought Hizbullah was the matzo ball.

Berri: (ignoring him) Hizbullah is the bagel because of the hole that is Shebaa. Without the hole, Hizbullah ceases to be the bagel, and turns into a common piece of bread. Do you follow?

Feltman: (in a hypnotic trance) Hizbullah is the bagel…

Berri: (pleased) Exactly…

Feltman: …and without the hole, Hizbullah is no longer a bagel.

Berri: Precisely…

Feltman: I think I’m beginning to understand.

Berri: Good.

Feltman: (in a daze) Shebaa is the bagel hole… It is everything and nothing… Hizbullah is the matzo ball. The soup is getting hotter. The bagel is Hizbullah. Israel is the spoon. Shebaa is the fork…

Berri: (Taking a big bite of the bagel). Mmmm, delicious.
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June 29, 2011

Lebanese Lawmakers Reach Breakthrough on Pesky Tribunal Clause

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , |
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While previous Lebanese governments have expressed their strong support for the U.N. Special Tribunal for Lebanon, the new government is expected to take a more equivocal stance in its ministerial policy statement. The committee in charge of drafting the statement has kept the language under tight wraps for the past two weeks, but our muckraking magicians here at The Qnion have managed to secure an advance copy of the Tribunal clause. Don’t forget where you saw it first!

*

“The Government of Lebanon, which is commited to seeking justice — here construed according to the Rawlsian acceptation of an impartial distribution system of social goods and opportunities — will spare no effort to cultivate the ideals of legality, transparency, and moral rectitude in all cases of crimes committed against Lebanese citizens, and, to this end, will deploy a broad-based array of strategies (such as statements of righteous indignation, 24-hour anonymous tip hotlines, municipal police investigations [pending budget constraints], and candlelight vigils) to ensure that the nation’s sacrifices will not have been in vain.

“As regards the U.N. Special Tribunal for Lebanon (STL), this government puts itself and its security services entirely at the disposal of the Special Prosecutor’s Office and will diligently respond to its every request, a responsibility clearly outlined in U.N. Security Council Resolution 1757. Furthermore, recalling that all United Nations resolutions carry the force of authoritative (if not binding) statements of international law with respect to their member-states, this government will — as a gesture of moral support for the sanctity of this most hallowed institution — make its compliance with UNSCR 1757 contingent upon the fulfillment of all heretofore neglected U.N. resolutions (with particular reference to U.N. General Assembly Resolution 194 and U.N. Security Council Resolution 242).

“Failing the implementation of the aforementioned UN resolutions in a timely manner, the Lebanese goverment will, nevertheless, continue to honor its obligations to the international community by cooperating with the Special Tribunal on all matters with the exception of a few issues which will require, on a case-by-case basis, a standard internal consultative review process before they can be approved. These issues include: material evidence inquiries; arrest warrants; extradition requests; expert witness subpoenas; telecommunications data requests; immigration reports; administrative support (including but not limited to photocopying, translation services, word-processing, collating, stapling, envelope stuffing and courier services, coffee orders, late night Barbar runs, and taxi fares). Tribunal officials are kindly advised that the standard internal consultative review for each request requires 6-10 weeks for approval and is subject to an administrative processing fee, following which a decision may be appealed (subject to another 6-10 week review and processing fee). Requests not pertaining to the above list will be responded to promptly.”

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June 23, 2011

Only the Brave

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Syria, The Qnion | Tags: , , |
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October 28, 2010

Analysts: Both Man and Beast Opposed to UN Tribunal for Lebanon

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Hezbollah, Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , |
[126] Comments 

BEIRUT, Lebanon — Investigators with the Special Tribunal for Lebanon (STL) had a rude awakening yesterday after being attacked by angry Lebanese citizens in the course of a routine information-gathering mission.

Upon visiting a gynecological clinic in al-Dahiyeh — a southern suburb of Beirut and stronghold of the Shiite party Hizbullah — a crowd of angry women attacked the investigators and reportedly stole a briefcase from them. A condemnation of the attack by the Netherlands-based Special Tribunal was echoed by various Lebanese political parties as well as the United States.

The attack “is a deplorable attempt to obstruct justice,” the tribunal said in the statement. “Those who carried out this attack must know that violence will not deter the Special Tribunal for Lebanon, a court of law, from fulfilling its mandate.”

Reports are now emerging that some of the attackers were men dressed as women in full-length burqas, and Future Movement official Mustafa Allouch told reporters that the attack was “a clear message from Hizbullah to the STL.”

Meanwhile, the Hizbullah television station Al-Manar stated that the incident was “a blatant attack by the international investigating commission on a gynecological clinic,” and noted that “the women’s response was spontaneous and firm.”

The Qnion has learned that after receiving medical attention later that day, the STL investigators insisted on continuing with their duties rather than returning to The Hague.

“We weren’t going to let the attack deter us from finishing what we started,” said Geert van Whiffenpoof, the team leader. “We had other places to visit and important information to gather.”

However, the investigators were soon to discover that public opposition to their activities was not confined to the women of al-Dahiyeh.

The first stop the UN team made upon leaving the American University of Beirut Hospital was a small farm on the outskirts of Sidon, in order to question its owner, one Sa’eed Ghadban, about his acquaintance with one of the suspects in the Hariri assassination.

Upon leaving the farmhouse, however, the team encountered a large crowd of animals — cows, goats, horses, sheep, and other beasts — blocking their exit.

“They were really angry,” said Jan van Snurkensnuffle. “They were braying and mooing and quacking. It was actually quite terrifying.”

A flock of chickens charged the investigators who managed to escape unharmed.

Reports are now emerging that some of the attackers were men dressed in animal costumes, and Future Movement official Mustafa Allouch told reporters again that the attack was “a clear message from Hizbullah to the STL.”

For its part, the Hizbullah television station Al-Manar stated that the incident was “a blatant attack by the international investigating commission on a humble farm” and noted that “the animals’ response was spontaneous and firm.”

Upon returning to their hotel that evening, the investigators decided to make a stop at Barbar, a popular local eatery.

“They have the best shawarma I’ve ever had,” gushed Willem Beentrekker. “I love going there after a long hard day’s work.”

Unfortunately, within hours of downing the meal, all three men found themselves waylaid by severe stomach cramps, nausea, and diarrhea. After a long and sleepless night with alternating visits to the hotel bathroom, the three investigators boarded a flight to the Hague this morning.

Future Movement official Mustafa Allouch told reporters again that the indigestion was “a clear message from Hizbullah to the STL.”

For its part, the Hizbullah television station Al-Manar stated that the incident was “a blatant violation of sovereignty by the international investigating commission on proud Lebanese foodstuffs” and noted that “the shawrma‘s response was spontaneous and firm.”

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May 17, 2010

Heterodox Feminist Millenarian Group Pins Hopes for Armageddon on Miss USA Win

Posted by Qifa Nabki under The Qnion | Tags: , |
[14] Comments 

Rima Fakih: Miss America 2010, or a sign of the end times?

KHAROB-E DARVISH, Iran — The leader of a millenarian group based in this remote Middle Eastern village has claimed that the recent crowning of Miss USA is a sign of the coming Armageddon.

Moulana Fatima Darvishi, spiritual leader of the Circle of Pious Warriors and Noble Pilgrims, released a fatwa this afternoon after receiving word of the victory of Rima Faqih, a young woman from Michigan of Lebanese extraction, in the Miss USA competition.

“This is the sign that we have been waiting for,” said Ms. Darvishi to a group of assembled followers. “The rise of a faqih to rule over America is a symbol of the justice and righteousness of the Islamic Revolution.”

Ms. Darvishi was referring to the winning contestant’s surname, which means “jurist” in Arabic and Persian. As is well-known, the Islamic Republic of Iran is led by Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei according to the principle of the “Rulership of the Jurist” (wilayat al-faqih).

“When this noble faqih ascends from her rulership over the USA to claim her place as ruler of all of God’s creation — as Miss Universe — then that is when the world will be filled with justice, and time will end,” Ms. Darvishi said, beaming.

When informed that Ms. Faqih had not been crowned ruler of America but had simply won a beauty pageant, Ms. Darvishi smiled enigmatically at the gathered reporters and shook her head.

“There is no point in trying to spread misinformation and propaganda. The current order has fallen! We hereby swear our allegiance to Her Supreme Majesty Rima Faqih and announce our undying loyalty to her magnificent command.”

Ms Darvishi continued: “We also call upon all heterodox feminist millenarian groups all over the world to join us in our call for a global revolution to prepare the way for Her Supreme Majesty’s eternal reign.”

When contacted, the 24 year-old Ms. Faqih — a graduate of University of Michigan-Dearborn with majors in economics and business — did not return calls for comment.

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April 14, 2010

Scudding Right Along

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , , , , , |
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DAMASCUS, Syria — U.S. and Israeli officials have reacted negatively to reports that Syria has transferred Scud missiles to the Lebanese militant group Hezbollah.

Israel has called the development a “game-changing” move by Syria which has the potential to tip the region into a military conflagration.

“Syria claims it wants peace while at the same time it delivers Scuds to Hezbollah, whose only goal is to threaten the state of Israel,” said Israeli President Shimon Peres recently to an Israeli radio station.

Meanwhile, both Syria and Hezbollah are denying that any such transfer of armaments has taken place. However, high-level officials within the Syrian regime spoke to Qnion senior correspondent Jacob Tafnis yesterday evening, quietly confirming that Syria had been considering the move.

“We will not say that any Scuds have gone into Lebanon… yet,” said one official, asking to remain anonymous. “But we reserve the right to assist our neighbor whether or not they are interested in our assistance.”

When asked what the effect of such a move might be on Syrian engagement with the U.S. and the upcoming appointment of Robert Ford as ambassador to Damascus, the official responded: “We are confident that nothing is going to stop President Obama from engaging with us,” citing a recent article in Haaretz that alluded to Obama administration officials saying that “the Scud transfer made a U.S. diplomatic presence in Syria all the more necessary.”

“You see?” the official said. “The more we send weapons to Lebanon, the more they want to engage us,” he chortled happily. “I can tell you that we also have plans to establish a nuclear weapons facility in Gemmayzeh, a chemical weapons plant in Burj al-Barajneh, and a dedicated airstrip for unmanned drones right at the Beirut International Airport,” adding with a conspiratorial wink, “but you didn’t hear that from me.”

Meanwhile, in Gemmayzeh (Beirut’s popular nightlife district), rents are reported to be rising in anticipation of the new nuclear weapons plant, while local residents are hoping that the radiation will convince revelers to take their boisterous partying across town.

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January 8, 2010

Armed Caravans

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , , |
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In an article published yesterday in Forbes, Washington Institute fellow and former Pentagon official David Schenker weighs recent critiques of America’s efforts to strengthen the Lebanese Armed Forces. He writes: “Many in Lebanon are concerned that U.S. weaponry enables the Lebanese Armed Forces (LAF) to defend the state neither from Israel nor from local al-Qaida affiliates.” Schenker’s response: the point of military aid is not to present some kind of a robust deterrence of the IDF but rather to help build up the LAF’s abilities to contain local threats to stability.

Andrew Exum made a similar point in an email to me this morning:

“I do not know of anyone in U.S. policy circles who thinks the LAF can be built up to ever stand up to even the Syrian Army – much less the IDF. As a CSIS report made clear, the LAF needs $1 billion investment just to address current deficiencies. Since the United States is not exactly awash in money these days, policy-makers have to think hard about how military assistance is spent. At the end of the day, U.S. policy-makers and the Lebanese just want two different things. Generals in the LAF wants a mechanized, air-land battle group capable of fighting the armies of nation-states. U.S. policy-makers desire a LAF trained and equipped to defeat insurgents and terrorist groups at home, which, honestly, is seen the likelier future threat environment than air-land battles between heavy armor divisions in the Biqaa` Valley. The two sides simply have competing visions of what is the best way to train and equip the LAF, and a military as badly in need of investment as the LAF has little room to pick and choose from the aid on offer.”

While I tend to agree with Exum and Schenker’s broader argument about the point of military aid, I also think that they’re not quite reading the Lebanese “critiques” so accurately. No one — especially not Hassan Nasrallah — really believes that the United States is actually going to consider outfitting the Lebanese Air Force with F-16s. What would be the point? They wouldn’t scramble to engage Israeli overflights, nor would they be used to secure Lebanon’s border with Syria. So what would be the purpose? Answer? Image, baby.

When Lebanese politicians complain about a lack of seriousness on America’s part to cough up military aid, it’s mostly just rhetoric. What Lebanon really needs is the unglamorous stuff: bullets, guns, humvees, helicopters. But we Lebanese like glamorous stuff. We are a glamorous people.

But don’t take my word for it. Lucky for you, the Qnion has gotten its hands on a secret transcript of Defense Minister Elias al-Murr’s meeting with Jeffrey Feltman, Assistant Secretary of State and former Ambassador to Lebanon. See for yourselves…

*

Murr: Jeffrey!

Feltman: Elias!

Murr: So good to see you! It’s been too long.

Feltman: Indeed it has. I miss Lebanon sooooo much. The food, the culture, the skiing and swimming on the same day. Fabulous.

Murr: Yeah. So, whaddaya got?

Feltman: It’s your lucky day. I’ve just gotten word from the Pentagon that we’ve been authorized to supply Lebanon with a small fleet of… are you ready for this?

Murr: Yes!

Feltman: Are you really ready? Cause it’s gonna be big!

Murr: I’m ready!

Feltman: You suuuuuuure??

Murr: Just tell me already!!

Feltman: Ok ok, keep your shirt on.  (Whipping out a picture of a small airplane from behind his desk) Ta-da!!!!! I give you, the Armed Caravan!

(A pause)

Feltman: Well, what do you think?!

Murr: You’ve got to be kidding me. This is a joke, right?

Feltman: What? No. Why?

Murr: An… Armed… Caravan?

Feltman: (looking hurt) Yeah? So?

Murr: What are we supposed to do with that thing? Deliver mana’eesh to our border patrols?

Feltman: Ha ha, well actually…

Murr: Take ministers on sightseeing tours?

Feltman: Ahem, I hardly think that’s…

Murr: Put out forest fires?

Feltman: Mr. Defense Minister. I’m sorry, but that’s the best that I can do. What were you hoping for?

Murr: (muttering) A few F-16s wouldn’t have killed you.

Feltman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(Murr glares at him)

Feltman: I’m sorry. That kind of just slipped out. But seriously, F-16s? Really? Let’s not kid ourselves.

Murr: I promise not to use them!

Feltman: Aww, that’s sweet. I know you won’t. But honestly, Lebanon really can’t afford them. And that’s an awful lot of money to spend on some planes that we won’t let you use.

Murr: Look, how about renting them to us?

Feltman: Ummm… excuse me?

Murr: Couple of days a year — Independence Day and Army Day. That’s all we really need. You can take them back for the rest of the year and we’ll pretend like we’ve got them hidden away someplace.

Feltman: Hmmm… that’s not a bad idea.

Murr: Because, honestly, Jeff… I can’t take this back to the President. I mean, it’s insulting. No offense.

Feltman: Mmm-hmmm.

Murr: It’s like, one day you’re driving an Alfa Romeo and the next day you’re in a Honda Civic or some shit. You gotta move up in the world, man. Wa law?

Feltman: I think I see what you mean. It’s like, right now you’re in a one-bedroom apartment in Hazmieh, and instead of moving into a pimp-ass crib on the Corniche, you’re moving back in with your parents in Baabdat or something.

Murr: Exaaaactly…

Feltman: Or, like, you’re partying in Gemmayze and what you really want is to get into Sky Bar, but I’m handing out passes to some busted-ass dive bar in Qoreitem or some shit.

Murr: Now you’re getting it.

Feltman: Ok, well I’ll see what the Pentagon has to say about it. In the meantime, shall we drop the Cessna offer?

Murr: (snatching the picture off Feltman’s desk) Nah, I’ll use it to fly me to Cyprus once a month for vacation.

Feltman: Well, it doesn’t quite fly that far.

Murr: What?

Feltman: I’m just messing with you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Murr: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Feltman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Murr: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

Feltman: Aw man… Good times.

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December 4, 2009

U.S. Approves Massive Arms Shipment to Lebanon

Posted by Qifa Nabki under Hezbollah, Israel, Lebanon, The Qnion | Tags: , , |
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Camouflage-print bandages.

BEIRUT, Lebanon — Ahead of a much-anticipated meeting between U.S. President Barack Obama and Lebanese President Michel Sleiman in Washington later this month, the Pentagon announced today that a major arms deal had been reached with Lebanon and that several millions of dollars worth of weapons and equipment would be delivered within weeks.

This marks the latest in a series of military aid packages from the United States to the troubled Middle Eastern nation, which are part of a long-term effort to bolster the capabilities of the Lebanese Armed Forces.

Pentagon spokesman Don Sheriff said that the United States was confident that this equipment would play a positive role in “securing Lebanon from various destabilizing forces,” adding that it was also a firm U.S. policy “to ensure that no weapons obtained from us end up in the wrong hands, to be used against our allies in the region.”

Mr. Sheriff reported that that the aid package “includes supplies for all of the armed forces. In addition to the Army, we’re committed to ramping up the capabilities of the Lebanese Navy and Air Force.”

Among the equipment destined for the Lebanese Navy, said Mr. Sheriff, was a decommissioned WWII vessel, the U.S.S. Tadpole, which had until recently been used for target practice by U.S. Navy gunners at NS Norfolk. The Tadpole will be rechristened the “Barracuda” when it takes its place as the flagship of the Lebanese Navy next month.

The U.S.S. Tadpole.

Mr. Sheriff said that the Navy’s aid package also included 300,000 life jackets, 55,000 kick boards, and 218,000 pairs of goggles.

The Lebanese Air Force — which is due to receive ten Russian MiG-29 jets early next year — will also be the beneficiary of American largesse. In a game of one upmanship reminiscent of the Cold War, the U.S. has promised to supply Lebanon with ten RC Firefly X2R’s. The Firefly, Mr. Sheriff explained, is a remote control aircraft with a range of 200 meters that can fly continuously for four minutes on a single charge. It was originally developed to be used for target practice by U.S. Special Forces sharpshooters.

“We personally think that the X2R’s will be much more useful to Lebanon than the MiG-29′s,” said Mr. Sheriff.

Lebanon’s soldiers are slated to receive the bulk of the aid shipment. In a move that will surely raise eyebrows in Tel Aviv, the U.S. has decided to supply Lebanon — for the first time in history — with an armored vehicle, a single ASPSCQ (Armored Self-Propelled Single-Cannon Quadracycle, known affectionately as “the Quad”). Built in Great Britain and dating back to the First World War, the Quad has spent the last seventy years in a military museum.

“We know that that we might catch some heat from some of our friends in the region, but we think that it’s the right thing to do,” said Mr. Sheriff, in response to a query from a reporter.

The Armored Self-Propelled Single-Cannon Quadracycle

In addition to the Quad, the Army’s aid package includes 250,000 crates of camouflage-print bandaids and 60,000 Super Soaker water guns.

Qnion-small

Reporting by Qifa Nabki

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November 4, 2009

Syrians Unveil New Secret Weapon

Posted by Qifa Nabki under The Qnion | Tags: , , |
[58] Comments 

The influential Middle Eastern politics blog, Syria Comment, has the scoop on a new development in the Syrian security apparatus that has “the potential to change the strategic balance of power in the region.” Here’s an excerpt:

However, on the heels of the Der Spiegel article, new evidence has emerged from Syria suggesting that the computer hacked by the Mossad agents was a decoy deliberately intended to distract Israel’s attention away from a much more deadly Syrian secret weapon under development.

Read the full article here.
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